Despair, Fear, Hope......day one.

I am ready to drop the baggage that weighs heavily on the cortex of my spine and imprints the bruised ridges into my shoulders,
Unclasp the cuffs that bind around my wrists like piano strings; small but deadly,
Unlink the chain that rests heavily on my side, barring me to the ground,
My darkened scarred feet yearn to move more rapidly than the dragging baby steps they're forced to make; as the pain is too much to bare.
In the distance I see the sun, its radiance far brighter than my heart has been in the many months I've found myself here.
The desert sand swirls playfully around me forming pinwheels of air and dust.
My lips part slowly and a small, harsh voice cracks the silent surface of the desert dawn.
A whisper of a voice murmurs: "Day One."

Coming full circle.

Short gasp, brief delightful sigh : "I’ve come full circle."

And I would’ve never dreamt that it would happen

I want to be a mentor, peer editor and teacher to children.

I found myself engulfed in a paper focused on Customer Service and I couldn’t pull my eyes away.

They searched radically across the page as I highlighted words, marked sentences and corrected punctuation marks with ease and sophistication.

I found myself with a pen pressed near my lips and fingers locked between white paper sheets and a noisy keyboard. Simply typing away to find more info to give this paper some pizzazz!

I created a cover page with ease, knowing immediately what to type in the search box and which images would fuse together the different aspects of technology, computers and its users and I was pleased with my work (smile!)

I thought of the other tasks I could’ve been doing but knew that I wanted to do this, it brought me joy and comfort. Like it was an accomplishment of some sort.

My friend listened earnestly to my directives and understood as I went through the written piece. She nodded often and laughed spontaneously.

She stated that I did well and that she would recommend me to her college buddies. I admitted that my first passion was to be a teacher and that I wouldn’t have ever imagined revealing that or even feeling like a teacher; but I did. I recalled how I was able to assist my young nephew on a school project. I took an adult idea and conformed it to a state where a young highschooler could understand; in fact he loved the ideas and combined the two in one piece! I was instructive but lenient.

In the past, I felt that teachers needed to be passionate and observers needed to see that drive for teaching that I didn’t possess and I opted out, but my friend quipped that statement saying that she could see the passion in my eyes and that I should be one.

This revelation has me contemplating the completion of my education major and opening my home to mentoring young children through peer editing, writing papers and improving grammar. I’m in awe, who knew!?!

Definitely something to think about!

God has blessed me with many gifts/talents. Even if I am unable to teach one-on-one I will be able to help others through my words and actions everyday.

"Seek & Ye shall find, Ask and it shall be given"

What does it mean to invest?

To use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something

To endow with a quality or characteristic

the investing of money or capital in order to gain profitable returns, as interest, income, or appreciation in value.

An investment is truly something that one deciphers to be of great value that they wish to give or build into something or someone else. It is yours to give and yours to seek.

This year is about investments for me. I've proclaimed it , sought it and it has become so.
As the year dwindles down, I am constantly reminded by the opportunities given that it is rightly so. I am building my heart and light on a firm foundation, one complete with habits, thoughts and actions that will add to my life two fold and more. I smile when I think about how far God has brought me,he is simply amazing. Thank you God.

The Power of a Suit

"Wow!"
"I actually feel pretty good in this thing!"
" I feel invigorated and indescribably tall."
"It's comfortable, sleek and cool...."
"Love the design and subtle detailing."
"I am soooooo going to rock this with a plum and white striped shirt, and plum jewelry to match the buttons..."

I need to get more of these!!


lol, need I say more :)

The Power of One Voice

Yesterday I felt empowered that I, just one person can do so much. As a toastmaster and woman to be help co ordinate the Lee Denim Day Event at my workplace, NAD. It is it the first group initiative that the company has allowed staff to participate in and the response from colleagues was tremendous. While speaking with a friend, I realized this was the first Cancer related or theme event that I had ever voluntarily and enthusiastically participated in with a whole heart and it felt very rewarding. As though I had conquered a fear or faced something I had once seen as unbearable or a no-talk topic. I also liked that the thank you letter showed a connection between manager and Employee to show others that it is possible and that titles do not segregate us when a cause or the value of a human life is involved.

This morning I smiled thinking to myself that it feels great to be recognized. To be in a place where your natural talent is appreciated and displayed without hesitation. Many persons: friend, family or co workers has asked my advice on projects, papers, receiving help in an initiative where speaking n persuading others is a must. This is the first time I am have been so vibrant, engaging and social in a workplace and I am loving the feeling.

This is all a reminder that God is in control, and He knew that greatness was in my future, seeking that I join this new employment to find my inner strength.

Yay!!

After 5 tiring hours , miscellaneous pictures and interesting cultural facts, I lay back slouched in the usually comfortable office chair. "I'm finished!!" I screamed. Realizing that my goal has become a reality. I have completed my first article for a potential feature magazine. Mind you, I had started this article days ago but the trimming, inserting and editing of Jussssttt the right information became my foe. I combined the data into one file, saved it and sent it off to the Editor and Chief with high exclamation and anticipation. I was proud of myself and where I'd been. A few days earlier, a Thursday, I smiled in my home when thinking of the notion that I am now a writer. I had my laptop, notepads and pencil ready to go, I had a schedule of stories or pieces to create and submit: I felt accomplished!! Even rewarded by the gift that I didn't know was so valuable and substantial. The next day , after submitting a piece to the work newsletter about Toastmasters and receiving approval from the two featured persons, I realized I even wanted to do a victory dance to celebrate just how far I've come to reach this far. Such beauty, longing and fulfillment all wrapped into this one feeling!!

Hmm I may even need a pen name.

M.Mac : writer and poet , at your service.

There's Power in Greatness

After giving my Ice Breaker speech during Toastmasters last evening, I received a wave of comments mostly saying that my speech and use of words were great! I believe that the word great has inspired me since then. Since giving my speech in compilation with all that has happened this year in regards to my growth in writing and opportunities, I truly do feel great. My year is emerged in greatness and I am loving every minute of it. I have rediscovered the passion I had in cooking (last seen in early 2009) and the tourism industry and am feeling good from my head to my toes. It has allowed me to accept that I am a writer, an amazing one who really has a way with words. I am more confident about myself and my abilities; knowing always that God is blessing me abundantly and showing me that only He writes the script of my future.

God, I'm ready to go!

God has a sense of humor and it makes me laugh. I am truly giddy with laughter and I just smile smile to myself. I have a new perspective on life : Laugh!!! it's just too short not to.

Small Victories

I was determined to bake bread and small pastries as a way to save on money and gain a new hobby. I've always cooked, baked and sautéed savory items for entrees and appetizers. Even cakes, cupcakes and rarely cookies but bread? never tried it. Tonight I made cinnamon rolls for the first time and it was such a RUSH!! I'm really proud of myself for taking this step and I feel so victorious. Next time I'll add some toasted nuts to add crunchiness and earthiness. I will definitely continue along the baking world and add calzones, pizzas, jelly rolls, cookies and bread loaves to my culinary resumes.

I love it!! Pictures will be posted shortly!!

Empowerment

I've been making big steps into launching my writing career starting from my debut biography article written by Scharad Lightbourne, well known Bahamian Photographer. However today's step, although small was very significant. It began with a paper, pen and a slight movement of the hand: signing my poetry.

Now I know this may seem silly but I haven't ever manually signed my work. They're saved, time stamped and drafted under my name but the feeling you get when you sign your piece makes it more real, more official. I felt as though it was a blueprint of who and what I am. It is completely mine.

It made me feel joyous, proud, and confident about myself and my work because looking at that signature was like seeing a reflection of myself; and I LOVE it!

Bright Light amongst my darkness

I know that plans have been moved, adjusted and stopped but still I do not worry.
I do not squirm and fight,
Pout or Complain.
I remain firm in my faith and trust in Him.

Oh yes I have been tempted!
By the persons of my yesteryear, whose intentions aim to harm,
But God sent me friends and a silver lining to lift my spirits and encourage my soul.

Even when I am surrounded by doubt, from persons and events close to me
For some reason I find warmth and lightness in my heart , that radiates through my actions.

I have developed a concept today known as :" filter out the garbage". This refers to removing persons, things, thoughts and intentions that aim to burden, hurt or limit you in anyway. Rejuvenate and fill yourself with all that is good, hopeful endearing, beautiful, wise and everlasting.

Since my fast, I have received great enlightenment, understanding, blessings and joy. It is beyond words , the gifts I have received from following the instructions of the Lord on that Monday morning & I would never take it back.

Gettin' It Together

I've decided today to get myself together: for real.

Listening to a good friend of mine tell me of the items he has structured in his life for 3 months really inspired me. In fact, I was proud of him . He's a newlywed and recent father and has placed certain events such as toastmasters and exercising as a part of this weekly routine for a set time to reach an accomplished goal.

It made me want to do more, push more. REALLY work one establishing myself while increasing my value and self worth simultaneously.

I plan on meeting with a financial adviser who will guide me in managing my portfolio. I want to save, invest and know the market well enough to make a profit and be constantly aware.
I want to make smart choices and choose the right companies while building good relationships.

I want to manager my health and weight effectively. Be aware and understand my health entirely, have annual check ups and be on top. Construct a daily exercise and eating habit that will help me to tone and maintain my build and weight successfully.

I want to continue to grow in all aspects of my life: socially, intellectually, professionally, academically and most importantly spiritually.

I also want to grow in maturity, wisdom, acceptance, love and peace as a female, sister, wife, lover and friend.

I feel so great, so inspired and so driven to stay on this path ; no matter what comes my way.

Faced by the past

It feels good knowing that I was myself, my true self throughout this entire experience.
I have learnt how much I have grown and matured,
and also how little some persons haven't and may not.
I am proud that I took a chance,
and refuse to feel sorry for myself or feel weighed down by this experience.
I have learnt a great deal, and as I have noticed within the past few weeks.
I must learn to continue to hold my head high, stay strong and confident
no matter what is placed before me.
It is not what people say I am, but what God says.
I will not succumb to the wicked and evil plots of the devil.
This recent scheme came at a time I felt so proud, happy and confident in myself
and it was meant to blow out the light in my eye and my heart, but I will not allow it.

God , please continue to help me to withstand the pressures of a sinful unjust world.
Aid me in rebuking evil thoughts and succumbing to the whims of others.

Small Victories

I'm very much into celebrating small victories this year because every step in your journey counts.

Today I wrote the biography for Scharadl and he was very impressed. It got me very excited and eager about my future in writing and the beauty of the gift i possess. I want to share it and do it more often. I also saw an advert for beauty schools of America and may attend the enrollment seminars this weekend to study massage therapy. if i do this i would work from 11am - 6pm on weekends only. also i really want to apply to vtv and get my writing potential out there. i am considering working from home only and stopping in on weekends. I'm really loving this feeling i am having. it's hope.

June 8 . 10

AMAZING

Only one word can describe this feeling that I have: AMAZING!

God has fulfilled a promise given to me on the first day of my fast today, on my 27th birthday. One day away from a year ago when I fell down the stairs at my former workplace and missed 3 months of my life. Who knew that I would be able to walk, talk , even function at this time. I was told that my acct. with a long time person would be settled today and the money came true!! He stated it to occur on my birthday and it did! I kept faith and stayed encouraged with a great group of friends. I am growing stronger and stronger in my faith, accepting who I am , more confidence and so much more. I'm becoming a true believer and I love it. I am not scared or worried of the future. I want that my partner experience this feeling and more. Oh how I pray that he does! God is giving me a great team. I am more filled with joy and anticipation than ever before.

I have also become more accepting, patient and kind towards others and see my selfish ways die slowly but surely and replaced with a view of the bigger picture, selfishness and maturity.

I have also been given many opportunities with writing which I'm taking as a sign and I truly love it!

June 3rd, 2010 - 11am

Trust in God

This year has truly taught me to trust in God. He has continually proven his strength, wisdom and power throughout all aspects of my life. The fast that I began last week was only the beginning of my experience. More and more I am earning not to rely on my own understanding but to see the hands of God through it.

He has given me a job that has exposed me to a variety of persons, each with some characteristic that will help to shape me into a better person. Through Stacy I have learnt to grow and maintain a relationship with God on a daily basis. With similar personality traits and beliefs she has become my newest friend. Nicole has been more of a logical and observant who doesn't want me to settle for less while Debbie has shown me that despite an illness like mine u can be happy, successful and live a good life. My aunt has been encouraging, wise and knowledgeable, not allowing me to be doubtful , swayed or unmotivated.

These persons all play a vital role in my life and I am continuing to learn from where God has chosen me to be.

I proclaimed to God that 2010 was the year of my fiance and myself; as a couple and individual and God has followed that every step of the way.
2010 is a beautiful gift I would never give away and I am happy and blessed for everyday of it I am given.

Thanks be to God. It is only through him am I alive, well and joyous. Amen.

Fasting

On the path to discovering God, vision; me.

Day 1 - Monday May 17th, 2010

I instantly awoke from a disturbing nightmare but proclaimed in my mind that I would fast. I had never considered fasting before and was unaware of how life changing it would be. I chose to abstain from food for a week long period with confidence that I could do it. I was hopeful, eager and determined. Four great works occurred that day, assuring me that blessings were all around me and I am doing the right thing. I was able to locate my uncle/mechanic who did not travel yet as planned, my apt. was opened ( thankfully! we had locked the key inside), a very important set of medical notes were prepared within a two day span when the doctor before took almost 2 weeks and a guy I had tracked down and lost contact with for weeks told me the account would be settled on my birthday! Can you believe it?! on my birthday, a double blessing!!

Yes my stomach aches and food smells good but there's a purpose behind this. After hearing about the fasting of yesteryear and today I became fascinated of the experience, healing and breakthrough I can receive from fasting. It became a phenomenon. Although I often cannot sleep without food, I will do so tonight and every night until my goal is reached and I am further in my mission.

p.s. my boo was such a sweetheart and he encouraged me to keep going, also that the blessings i received may disappear or become harmful: I love him :)

Day 2 - I was tired, drained and hungry. ( to be expected I guess)

Day 3 - I was seriously tempted to eat but gained inspiration through the words of friends: "Don't break it, keep going" . I was also told that it is a vow made between you and Christ that should never be broken. There was a television that reminded me that I can achieve something I didn't think I would do. The young man attempted to climb a mountain with anticipation and enthusiasm, but on day 3 he fell weak and thought he wouldn't make it, but he did not let that get to him and by six he reached the top!
He and his folks were so proud I realized I cannot let food have that power over me; it's just food! I would be limiting myself and God by giving in although I was very much tempted to. It gave me the strength and encouragement to sign praises, be proud and be strong.

Day 4 - I decided to end my fast late this afternoon I felt a calmness and happiness about my decision. I accepted that I made it for 3 full days and reached a point of understanding. I will eat something small and continue to praise and worship God with joy. He has really taken me to another plan of control, discipline and patience. I did some feng shui on my desk today and I came in with a mindset to just clear everything away, b more assertive and say NO when necessary I've really released so much this week its amazing. I found joy in fixing/adjusting things on my own such as cleaning the printer, rearranging, fixing a computer problem. I smiled, did it easily n quietly , found it quite soothing actually. Removing food has really helped alot and I gained wisdom. I feel more comfortable with my office/surrounding space and efficient.

I achieved what I had proclaimed in the beginning and more
I believe the life lesson here was acceptance, patience, doing things in time and to not be so excitable. I do not regret my decision and I love that I have experienced such a breakthrough. I will fast & pray more often as a way of meditation, test of faith and becoming closer to God. - May 20 - 5:53pm

I will also be more patient and tolerant of myself rather than harsh.