Remebering the good ol days

Half toasted Bagels
Just-Right Coffee : not too sweet , not too dark
warm comforters on breezy nights

Devil, I BanishYou!

Listen to Me Devil!!
Your efforts to capture me have failed
To impose on me time and time again, a future that is not mine
To saturate my mind with the endless mysteries of the future ; of which no one can be sure of.
Oh, how you have tried to pick on my past weaknesses, unknown insecurities and short comings with your lying tongue, deceitful heart and unkind words.
Turn friends into enemies
Good deeds into misunderstood ill practices.
Strangers into Dictators of who and what I am
You have bent and twisted my mind and spirit to that of this world : Or so you believed.
You had hoped to keep me underneath.
Underneath my value, my goals, my beliefs , myself.
But I know.
I know that these things have been tried and thrown at me and you have failed miserably.
YOu Have FAILED.
Know this, my spirit will never be yours.
I am His and ONLY His.
You have NOTHING over me!
I am a Daughter of Zion.
An Inheriter of the earth.
Nothing you do will stop or damage me
Do you hear me? NOTHING!
I'm stronger now
I've grown wiser
These dark shadows have lurked long enough
This realm of darkness shall be no more
I command it NOW!
In the name of the Lord, all efforts made by you or your spirits have been condemned, seized in eternal captivity.
The Lord is my strength , shield , everything
and you?
You are NOTHING.

I am me

I can be no one else
No other shape can I become
Your harsh words and deceitful traps do not make or break me
Your silent thoughts of vengeance do not taint me
False friends and two edged words mean nothing : they puncture but do not scar.
I am surrounded by those who have no interest in the best of me but to bring forth the worse.
Their manipulation and cruel desperation empowers their actions and close knitted plots
Amazed I was but wiser I am
Than to believe that I can trust another
There's no one but me and only me
Every step, every breathe can be made by no other
I have within me the strength to crush the menacing actions of others and turn their dark clouds into light
Men do much to destroy you, they stop at nothing, sinking to the lowest depths.
They know not the meaning of enough, integrity, love or maturity.
Their eyes are blinded by coveting and ill thoughts
Through the constant manipulation and false bearings of others
I can be no other than me : strong , resilant and whole

Equilibrium

It's funny that just the other day my msn sign in name was that of Equilibrium : the belief that an action will cancel another and balance will be achieved.

It is odd because this does not exist with me.

My life does not emanate such a thing.

It's lacking in my mental, physical, emaotional and spiritual aspects.

Before I had the strength of a stallion,

Discipline of a disciple,

Flexibility and endurance of an athlete,

Meekness of a child.

But now...... these have all faded
I am stuck with uncertainty, broken promises, misled intentions, fake friends, restless nights, mocked goals.

My beliefs are shaky, future unknown , priorities hazy.

Balance must be achieved.
My status must be known
Health restored
Spirit revived
Soul nourished.
Now. I need this now.

Sweet, Sweet Freedom

I am free from the demons of my past and the woes of tomorrow

I am free of the mishaps and downfalls

I am free of my high expectancy of self-perfection and strength

I am no longer one of many , but one of few

Free of low scapegoats as to why I'm no longer myself: striving to be the best and never settling.

Those days are over

My skies are no longer cloudy,

Hands no longer chained,

mind and dreams limited

My freedom has been purchased through the power of my determination , focus of will and yearning of excellence , and nothing but.

I am one

I am me.

Convicted.

What is this feeling?
This heavy weight/burden?
Every thought , action , past deed is question , analyzed, reanalyzed, disguised, criticized by....... My conscience?
It's so visible and alive.
Have I sinned , done something wrong?
Have I not been trying to be morally correct?
Yes , I have. But still the little things eat at my mind, my soul, and I fall.
Fall from lack of strength , the inability to ignore or subside this feeling of guilt, uncertainty.
Every step has been counted, foretold, engraved in the sand.
Why is this happening? I've even began to be aware of such strong negative things: selfishness, vulnerability, intimidation and..........................
aiming for the highest level of perfection.

I feel so lost , so out of my niche.

I'm SO Happy!!!

I am such a passionate person.
I just love to give. In everything that I do I give my all , do my best , go above and beyond. It shows with my relationships with my God, my work, my academics, my loves, hobbies, interests.
It's all me and I love it!
I want to give it all away and make others happy.
I want to share, love, form , create, transform the hearts and minds of children and people.
If they had only one ounce of the Love that I feel everyday, their little hearts would jump for joy.

God Bless the little children, and my humble hands and heart to give them the gift of love, trust and tenderness.

So I see...

So this is what it's like to move on.
It's crappy, harsh and full of reluctance followed by acceptance.
It's when you realize he won't call or visit because he's too busy , as he's always been , with his work and future prospect.
When it doesn't matter anymore if you see him out or not because your heart won't skip and you won't feel awkward.
When persons mention his name , you feel neutral other than reminiscent or excited.
Having fun with others and knowing that it's alright , and you too can be just as happy or better without him.
Being truly happy for them no matter where life takes the relationship that you two shared. Being able to admire or think about him at a distance, and there's nothing wrong with remaining to care.
Slowly feeling relaxed and free to go out, meet others and enjoy yourself without guilt or second thoughts.
No longer does the thought of my ex, creep in at every corner or back door of my mind.
The future is simply an open, blank paged book, aching for me to compile and record the words, thoughts and experiences that will shape my novel called Life.

BORED

I need a change of pace. something new: environment, job, opportunities, friends, atmosphere, mentality, spirituality.......everything. It's slowly happening I'm just being impatient. Not sure what else to type just a bit annoyed, frustrated.


Crap.

A Decleration

I Declare that at this age, this moment in my life I will not be torn down , deceived or harmed by the trivial , unrighteous things of the world.
I am in the world but not of it.
A chosen individual and not an err.
Misjudgments and wrong doings will be very few if any because I will use wisdom, self-control and strength.
The Ways of the Lord will be my own.
My limitations and barriers are non existent.
Always virtuous and hungry for knowledge.
My dark chapter has ended months ago and a new one has been discovered.
That which has wounded and surrounded my forefathers will not live with me.
I shall change the course of my generation and my life.
The misdemeanors, subconscious ill acts end now; they shall be no more.
I Declare it and it shall be so.
My Faith and Lord will see me through.

Anticipation

He has been calling me. Since the beginning. His voice has only become so deep and apparent this year. His voice has only echoed so loudly through my spirit within these past few months.
And I?
I am ready. Quick to learn, anxious to see what is in store for me, Eagerly awaiting that opportunity. That glorious day when all is revealed and I see what He has always seen as my purpose.

I walk slowly but confidently through the stages I must surpass. His hand with me always, His shoulder near me and Him beside me. I wish to be led and come out a leader, a crusader, a disciple.

I don't understand it.
Can't possibly explain it but I love it.
Indulge in every minute of it. Smile gleefully at the thought of it.
My heart leaps knowing that I will be where He wants me to be.

Ahhhhhh...........

It's a GREAT day to be ALIVE!!!!!!!!!
I haven't had a happier moment than this. Realizing and knowing that the Lord has be with me every step of the way. Looking back at past friends, companions, associates and how they had been present for my good only. Through God they changed me , and he has been watching over me. Saved me from so many snares and thorns. Has given me the strength to live and move on. What a fine thing this is!!
I'm ecstatic. Fantastic, Head Over Heels Enthusiastic.
One cannot be so delighted , than to know that there Savior has and will be with them always.
If the Lord is for me, who can be against me?
I can do all things through Christ who has strengthened me.
I am but a child in the gentle arms of her loving father, being pnished for my ill deed but later cuddled and loved because I am His, and wonderfully made.
There is no one greater than He.

I am a crusader for Life.

People.

I have discovered that by wanting , striving and aiming for the best one is placed at a certain disadvantage because no one thinks the way you do and it is rare that you will be placed in a group that shares this perspective on life(in general). On the contrary, one would believe that they are placed at the top of the class for thinking this way but this thought can be so easily defeated with the presence of others who aim low for a living.
I haven't given up but I am exhausted.
You'd think you wouldn't have to tell adults how to be mature, responsible and reliable but this too is a common err.
They leave me dumfounded; I have yet to be amazed.