Failure to myself and to my Lord

I'm constantly failing you aren't I Father?
Why Am I falling to these past actions so easily?
They disgust me.
Make me feel like less of a person.
Remind me of where I came from and what I felt like,
Used to feel like.....
Used to be..... thought I was.

Save me Lord!
I want you, I know I do.
But I do I want you enough is the question
Enough to let go again.
Enough to resist these things, foot down and head shaking feverishly at sin,
Enough to believe in myself and you.
But I didn't want to be here again Lord,
I didn't want to be that person.
Oh Lord, help me,
Save Me.
I know what it's like to be lost, confused and ashamed.
I don't want to be that way
Not even for a few seconds.
I Love You,
I Need You,
Please, Please
Be With Me...........
Be my Rock Again,
Be My Shelter,
Be My Father,
Make me new and whole again.
I can feel that part slipping away.
Not as easily as sand , but not as concrete as the foundation I had before.

I'm not that victim,
I'm not that girl again.....EVER.
She's dead to you & I.
I am here now , and that's who I want to stay.
Please. Forgive me Lord.
Know that I am Sorry,
And I need you.
Fill my heart today,
Make it pure,
Make it Right,
Make me whole once again.
I want not to feel defiled, unclean.
For only beauty resides in God's Children.

Love Me Lord,
Please Come In.
Take Me Back.......

Foolish

Dear Lord it was foolish to think I could escape or more so that you had left me.
I hid in shadows, dark corners and broken alleys afraid that I was far less than I once was;
A blurred image of what I once was,
I was afraid.
Afraid that I would not be able to have the two men I love in my life, as an important part of my life equally
That I had to choose, and that it would hurt.
I trusted the flesh, took his word as truth and felt compelled that it was something I had to do.
But Lord I am ready. Ready to make that sacrifice and dive head first into your spirit and back into my unwavering faith.
You will lead him to me , you will send my husband for me , I have no need to worry.
All that I ask will be given, and he will love me unconditionally.
Help me to understand and accept this Lord.
To take his words to heart and not to ear
To rest my faith and trust in him as I do you.
Teach me Lord, teach me to be wise and truthful
Humble and forthright
Be a girlfriend, a wife and most importantly myself : always.
To serve and love you through all things
Thank you Lord,
Thank you for never letting me go, and loving me.
I Love You.

Coming into me...

life is hard. it's gettin thru it that makes u better, it's easy to quit
i know most persons believe that when u get saved ur life gets automatically easier but in fact it's 10 times as hard cuz the devil will hit u from everywhere becuz u're a threat to him and his mission is to kill, steal and destroy
they think their probs will subside n fall away but u have to pray about it and have faith
but even when u have faith : it still hurts
but i don't have a choice
when u're chosen das it
by the Lord i mean , He chooses you and when that happens u can't escape it, u will be trialled, humiliated , while wisdom, grace and love will take over
one thing i was thinking today that also succored my mood was remembering this:
How can one say they love the Lord and not their brother?
To be of God is to love and befriend a stranger not just those u know or think u want to get to know
and i let that influence me
so i don't dislike her, jus don't trust it is all
but i'm happy for that
there's a reason that certain things form my devotionals stood out in my head and stayed with me until today

But It Hurts...

In life we take chances
We make mistakes
We fall: we get up
we cry, we scar
We lose.......

Please try to remember before, during and after this, that the Lord has prepared you for this and you will be alright. He will wipe every tear, mend every wound because He Loves You.


- I understand all this.......................but it hurts. :(