Failure to myself and to my Lord

I'm constantly failing you aren't I Father?
Why Am I falling to these past actions so easily?
They disgust me.
Make me feel like less of a person.
Remind me of where I came from and what I felt like,
Used to feel like.....
Used to be..... thought I was.

Save me Lord!
I want you, I know I do.
But I do I want you enough is the question
Enough to let go again.
Enough to resist these things, foot down and head shaking feverishly at sin,
Enough to believe in myself and you.
But I didn't want to be here again Lord,
I didn't want to be that person.
Oh Lord, help me,
Save Me.
I know what it's like to be lost, confused and ashamed.
I don't want to be that way
Not even for a few seconds.
I Love You,
I Need You,
Please, Please
Be With Me...........
Be my Rock Again,
Be My Shelter,
Be My Father,
Make me new and whole again.
I can feel that part slipping away.
Not as easily as sand , but not as concrete as the foundation I had before.

I'm not that victim,
I'm not that girl again.....EVER.
She's dead to you & I.
I am here now , and that's who I want to stay.
Please. Forgive me Lord.
Know that I am Sorry,
And I need you.
Fill my heart today,
Make it pure,
Make it Right,
Make me whole once again.
I want not to feel defiled, unclean.
For only beauty resides in God's Children.

Love Me Lord,
Please Come In.
Take Me Back.......

Foolish

Dear Lord it was foolish to think I could escape or more so that you had left me.
I hid in shadows, dark corners and broken alleys afraid that I was far less than I once was;
A blurred image of what I once was,
I was afraid.
Afraid that I would not be able to have the two men I love in my life, as an important part of my life equally
That I had to choose, and that it would hurt.
I trusted the flesh, took his word as truth and felt compelled that it was something I had to do.
But Lord I am ready. Ready to make that sacrifice and dive head first into your spirit and back into my unwavering faith.
You will lead him to me , you will send my husband for me , I have no need to worry.
All that I ask will be given, and he will love me unconditionally.
Help me to understand and accept this Lord.
To take his words to heart and not to ear
To rest my faith and trust in him as I do you.
Teach me Lord, teach me to be wise and truthful
Humble and forthright
Be a girlfriend, a wife and most importantly myself : always.
To serve and love you through all things
Thank you Lord,
Thank you for never letting me go, and loving me.
I Love You.

Coming into me...

life is hard. it's gettin thru it that makes u better, it's easy to quit
i know most persons believe that when u get saved ur life gets automatically easier but in fact it's 10 times as hard cuz the devil will hit u from everywhere becuz u're a threat to him and his mission is to kill, steal and destroy
they think their probs will subside n fall away but u have to pray about it and have faith
but even when u have faith : it still hurts
but i don't have a choice
when u're chosen das it
by the Lord i mean , He chooses you and when that happens u can't escape it, u will be trialled, humiliated , while wisdom, grace and love will take over
one thing i was thinking today that also succored my mood was remembering this:
How can one say they love the Lord and not their brother?
To be of God is to love and befriend a stranger not just those u know or think u want to get to know
and i let that influence me
so i don't dislike her, jus don't trust it is all
but i'm happy for that
there's a reason that certain things form my devotionals stood out in my head and stayed with me until today

But It Hurts...

In life we take chances
We make mistakes
We fall: we get up
we cry, we scar
We lose.......

Please try to remember before, during and after this, that the Lord has prepared you for this and you will be alright. He will wipe every tear, mend every wound because He Loves You.


- I understand all this.......................but it hurts. :(

Let Him In.

Do I really want to be loved?

Would I be able to find someone whose presence shines like the sun.

Would I be willing to let them in?

Allow them to console all of me

Could I really believe that I found someone who loves unconditionally?

Is it true that my faith should lie in him?

That my heart lies safe and secure

That my mind has blinded me with trickery

And to trust is all I need?

Quit playing with my heart dear mind

Just let my emotions be

Stop these thoughts and words from making me think falsely

I don’t want to doubt or second guess my every move: just let me be free.

There are no faults, stop finding every excuse and fear

You no longer have to run away dear child

Just let him take you in your arms

For you are no longer broken.

I deserve to be happy and loved.

This happiness is mine

For him to value me far above

That he has befriends, and others he had once loved.

Take my hand

Hold My Heart

Embrace me swiftly and completely: never let me go.

- June 20.06

I am His!

He has not forgotten me,
I am so happy to say, no SCREAM this out loud!
For all this time I have felt the dark claws of the enemy, the endless turmoil and long pursuit.
Wondering If I was alone,
But My God, you have never left me!

I am so happy to be your child,
To be yours,
To be purchased with your blood,
To know you, your love, mercy and divinity.

I will shout it out to the world: I AM YOURS! AND YOURS ALONE!

Devil Don't Mess With Me.
No weapon formed before or against me shall prosper and the wicked shall disappear in his presence.
He is MY God, My conqueror, My King.

Alas dear Lord, you have filled me once again with the power, magnitude and energy that thirsts and hungers for you.

Never leave me Lord, I want only to be with you.

Exhale.....

I will... remain calm in all circumstances Be prepared for anything to the best of my abilities Accept my faults and turn them into strengths Know who I am and show it well Keep the Lord as my best friend and rely on Him always Be true to myself and my values Love all those whom I come in contact with ; even if only temporarily Live everyday to its fullest Never Undervalue myself Laugh everyday Pray every night Love Eternally.

Mysterious Ways

The Lord has truly blessed me these past 2 weeks in ways I hadn't even imagined

I have been given an evening job that has awoken my typing skills, formal language and need for accuracy
My boss is willing to teach me the ways of Law and assist me in a matter that has needed legal action for quite sometime.

Met a gifted and driven Bahamian poetry who wishes to help me excel him to a Noble prize in poetry. I will once again , regain my passion for language and poetry and will soar..

I am so excited


He knows your wants and needs

He hears your prayers

Just have faith & believe

He WILL answer you.

Carefree

Kissing my worries away And letting my strife blow in the wind Got no reason to be bagged down ....I have the Lord! He has healed my body Made me whole Filled my heart And kept me alive Whom shall I fear?

God Spoke To Me..For you

I received a message for you today

Early this morning near my street
I ran into a guy , I've seen on many occassions , always standing on his feet
We usually catch the same bus, hailed a time or two
But never had we once been introduced or exchanged words
He asked about my status,
Asking where's the ring I should adorn
I told him , that I'm far too young for such a thing
I'm not ready for a relationship just yet
He just laughed it off and began to speak on his past job experience
While in between asking about mine
He then spoke of his endearing wife and a female that they took in
Doesn't it sound familair to you?
The way your family invited me into their lives and blessed me with their love
He said this act has changed her life , and she feels truly blessed
I'm thankful that the Lord has looked out for me , always giving me the best
So anyway....
His message spoke of being focused on your goal
When enetering in a relationship is best to come in with something and leave with nothing
Than to go in with nothing and come out with the same
I agreed with this and so he went on..
He spoke on how you speak into your future , what it is , is up to you
You shape and form it with the power of your words
It's like a mango seed, where at first you did not see
But lying in there is a great, fruit bearing tree
Although it's on the inside the seed at first must believe
That in them lies a strong , prosperous tree
Also that the Lord commands us to be prosperous
In both instances it is essential that one stays focus , have the right attitude and be one of substance
Know what you want and make it happen

That gentleman is a minister, and he said he was unaware of why he was led to me
He said he had an insight that I was focused on what I want and believed in it
He gave a short note I wish to share with you
That although in a sermn a message is preached
Amongst the many : it was only sent for few
For the many , it was sent to let them know
That they're on the right path and to keep their spirits and faith high
But for the others it made a breakthrough
It was meant to feed a need, to nurture a ailing spirit
Or answer a silent prayer

I realize now , that like those many , I was told from Him to stay on course
And for you , this message was sent through me to you
To assure you that the Lord
Your destiny and goals are near


Speak life into your dreams
And stay encouraged and faithful in yourself
Let the Lord guide you fully;
Let Him order your steps

Burst.....

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst
I'm so consumed with fears, worries, insecurities
I'm so scarred , wounded, deserted
I found the Lord but I have yet to find myself

I want to tell someone all that's in me
to get it out in the air
But who will truly be there for me
And lend me a non-judging ear?

Who'll love me when I'm done
When every t's crossed and dotted i's
Who'll look beyond my troubled past
and scattered mind and cherish what's left behind

Is there something left ?
For that, I do not know
I feel I'll fade away
Be swept into the world of nothingness
My lungs too tight to breathe

Will anyone be my rock today?
tomorrow and forever
Forgive me when I do wrong
And add to my strength to endeavors

Is there anyone out there?
Can anyone hear my plea
Can someone fill this empty gap
And come and rescue me

Am I looking for something that's non existent
Never present in a human being
Can no man give me hope, love and passion
Show me what true love means

Alas, I've found that only Jesus
Can come to my quivering aid
Be my rock & shield through all life's battles
Give me the purpose , I haven't yet seen.

That girl

But I want to be that girl
The one he's proud to show his boyz
The one who's hand he holds
The reason he wakes up each day.....

I want to be that woman,
That adds to your life and not take away
The one you're proud to be next to
The one who's pride is as strong as her word
And never lies to you....

I want to be normal
I want to think like a normal human being
And not a frightened child
My mentality is in the past and rejuvenating it is hard

I want to be loved
I want to know what that means

Futile

I want everyone else to be happy because it's all i know
It's all I've been doing
But I can't
To err is human , but to forgive divine
No one's perfect
I can't do it all
I'm not a superhero
But still I try;
And tarry
and endure
I want to stop but it hurts
And hold habits are hard to break
I do as they ask
And as they see.
I was never told it was wrong
Never told I had a voice
A purpose
My life mattered until it was too late and a decade had passed
When someone had given me a hint of value

Why I don't like to be wrong

All my life I've been told what to do
In a negative way , how to live my life
How to be a woman at the age of a child
How to be a guinea pig instead of a woman
How to be violated when I'm respectable
And I've TRIED...
Oh, how i've tried , to just be perfect
Be all that they ask and more
To be and do the impossible
So when I'm wrong it hurts
It hurts becuz i've tried my best
and it went unnoticed
Or it simply wasn't good enough
It hurts becuz i can't give anymore
Simply becuz there's nothing left to give
To disappoint feels like a stab to my heart ,
my self esteem
my will power
I aim to please and to do that only
When I can't or don't
I feel useless
As though i''ve failed
And not just myself but my loved ones
And I need to get their acceptance back
Because without it , I can't survive
I live for them becuz inside i'm hollow
I don't know how to survive

I need to heal...

Upset

When I get upset I say mean things : to others and to myself
I hurt myself with the words i say
The accusations i claim
and the thoughtless phrases i say to those I love
I feel vulnerable , foolish and emotional
I want to be alone but I want to be held
I want to be touched but then not consoled
I want to be strong but I'm weak and make myself out to be clingy, sad & miserable
The next day , or few minutes I'm left with the pieces to pick up
A heart to mend,
Friend to find,
Strength to muster,
Disappoint to let go,
Sorrow to consume
I don't know if I like myself
Or why I harm myself
Love me but when i hurt, i unfortunately hurt others
It's a viscous cycle that i recently recognized
I cancel all plans and be lonely
I'm miserable and teary eyed
My mind jumps to absurd, unheard of conclusions
I think of the weirdest most out there circumstances and situations and i throw them on others
I don't let go : I withhold
I don't want to be alone
I need to deal with me
Fix Me
Heal Me
Love Me
Forgive Me.


Where do I fit in this world....

WOw....

When I saw you , you looked amazing. I was taken back by your 'awesomeness'.

Rejuvenation

I'm letting it all go.
My broken childhood, abandoned fathers, deceased mother, blinded past....
Those things made me, but they do not dictate who I am.
They are a part of who I was , of a frightened girl
Not the strong woman who stands today
They do not break or make me.
My goal is happiness.
I will do all that it takes to retain that,
As well as continuing to discover who I am
My soul can be at rest now.
My fears soon downcast
My Mind at ease
God has blessed me ,like no one else will ever know.
He has touched my heart , and my life has flourished because of it.
I have been made whole ........new.............born again.

Another Sinner

But I don’t want to be another sinner

Holding a tall glass of champagne,

Wearing a look of fine happiness, when I’m truly feeling shame

I don’t want to hide my behavior behind the foolish acts of others

To blame all my thoughtless mistakes on the heads of my fellow sisters and brothers

I don’t want my body to betray me

At night when the air is thick, moist and sweet

When my body heat rises and I feel sensations down to my feet

Toss my hair to the side of my neck

As I feel a warm hand sliding down….

Who wants to wake up the next morning, too dirty to ever be clean

And then laugh in the face of the devil, claiming: ‘It’s in the Lord that I lean!’

I don’t want my face to hide the effects of my unknown dismay

I want instead to call faithfully on His holy name

Can’t you see that what I’m asking

Is not a wayward thing

You can’t achieve in a second, or find it in a ring

To be a true bearer of his name, an adornment to my king.

I say: ‘Farewell, to lost sleepless nights, when temptations are riding high

‘Good Rid dins to one night stands, to waking up to strangers who left me behind

For the Lord has called for me a much greater plan, and he needs me on demand.

Are you living blindly? Your heart aching for more?

Then ask Jesus for His guidance, and show Satan to the door.